Notice: A version of this post especially intended for Raven exists on Paste Bin here. This is in order to allow her to read it without potentially violating any sort of agreement.
This is probably the hardest post I have ever had to write on this blog, or ever in my life. I have realized that for much of my adult life, and about half of my life as a teenager, I have been a very self-serving, manipulative, and abusive person. I have been this way to my parents, to my friends, and to several of my former partners. I cannot continue to act as if the perceived good I do in the world overrides this extremely negative impact to people that I greatly care for. This post, however imperfect it is, is my attempt to apologize to those I have hurt. This is especially directed towards my parents, towards Raven, and towards the greater alterhuman community. There will be a section in this apology for each of the three. I don’t expect this to change the status quo of any situations currently, but rather, offer it as a first step in effecting overall change.
My apology to my parents
This will be made privately; tl-dr is that I have entitled child syndrome and was extremely unappreciative of their past and continued efforts with me… treating anything regarding family as an obligation, despite the fact I have an objectively loving and accepting family for the most part.
My apology to the alterhuman community
I am not equip to be a spokesperson, and I was never equip to be such. I founded Wulf Howl (which later became Kinmunity) when I was still in High School; I founded it as an alternative community because I felt unwelcome at the existing sites at the time, and I wanted a space that I could enjoy and make my own. I guess, the unfortunate truth is, Wulf Howl was originally founded for selfish reasons. The site grew and swell beyond what I believed it would upon initially founding it, and I failed to grow with it. I ran the site as a dictator and a tyrant, and gave out bans and account warning on a whim. However, as a result of the site’s growth, I began getting media attention beginning in 2012.
Despite the media attention I got being mostly negative, especially initially, I became addicted to it. I liked the fact that I was well-known, even if as an ironic meme, and used this as a crutch in future social interactions at conventions, with potential friends, and so forth. Despite the community urging me to cease doing media appearances, I continued to do so at the community’s expense from the years of 2011 onwards until 2022. I now realize that even the positive media portrayals I have been in, I shouldn’t have taken part in.
I wish I would have sold Kinmunity years ago, when I had a a serious offer from somebody to buy the site, because then everyone would still have it as a resource but I would not be relied upon to run it. While it is not an end all/be all solution, my method of assuaging this is stepping aside from the community. I am not its spokesperson or representative, and I refuse to speak on its behalf in the media or explain the community to anyone associated with the media any further. I made a fool out of many of you, and out of myself, and for that; I am sorry.
My apology to Raven
This is likely to be the longest section in this entire post. It is an apology to my former closest friend and ex romantic partner, Raven. I met Raven at my day job back in 2021 and she quickly started talking to me during closing shift on a routine basis, sparking a casual and later a close friendship. After a while of being friends with Raven, we began dating. I want to preface this by saying that: Raven was nothing but an amazing partner and friend to me during our entire relationship and involvement together. In fact, she stepped largely outside of her comfort zone in order to give me (and our relationship) a chance and put her best foot forward every step of the way.
Raven was honest about what our relationship would entail, almost to a fault. Unfortunately, I can not say the same of myself with regards to this relationship. I got very dependent on Raven and the relationship became very one-sided. Despite the fact Raven would spend significant amounts of time with me on her own accord, without even being asked, I would always want more than she was able to offer. When she would spend time with her other partner, her primary partner who she was in a relationship with for a much longer period than her and I were in, I would get jealous and let my own petty feelings of inadequacy and self pity consume me. For a new relationship, Raven was making a HUGE effort with me and made every attempt to show me that she did care, that she did want to stick around, and that I did matter to her, while still trying to impose sensible boundaries and not get into a form of unhealthy codependency.
I was awful at respecting these boundaries. I wanted to be her primary partner very badly, because in my mind she was the person I was closest to and I selfishly wanted to fill the same role for her. Instead of respecting that we were AMAZINGLY close for partners that have only been together for a couple of months, I wanted to be on the same level of intimacy with her as a partner she had known for years. I had become so consumed by own feelings, that I neglected her feelings and what she wanted in our partnership and friendship. Hell, she even told me that if things went well, she could see me potentially being permanent in her life, and one of her closest partners. Instead of taking her at her word, being patient, and putting her needs above my own (what I should have done as a partner), I took the selfish route.
After taking the selfish route one too many times, after asking her “are you sure you still love me?” one too many times out of paranoia, and after not giving her time and space when she requested it, she broke up with me and rightfully so. I handled this breakup horrendously, and began numerous harebrained attempts to somehow pick up the pieces and glue us back together, in a very manipulative and underhanded way that did a ton of additional damage to us and made what may have been fixable into a disaster of a situation. I now know that if I had given her space after the initial breakup and handled this like a decent human being, I would likely at least have a viable friendship with her after some distance… hell, if I had truly worked on myself then and there, we may have even been able to save the partnership… but this isn’t what I did.
Ultimately, she did what she needed to do and cut all ties with me. I begged, and pleaded with her for another chance, and she didn’t give me one — why would she? After everything, after giving me countless chances to slowly rebuild things with her, after giving me a chance at friendship after she determined the relationship unviable after the Nth chance at that, how could she ever trust me again? This, too, I handled terribly. I begged, and begged, and begged.
Ultimately, this situation landed in a courtroom. I was advised not to speak much on the matter publicly, but I will say that we both wound up initiating court action against each other. The reason she initiated action was because of my insistent begging and refusal to give her space. The reason I initiated action was because in my paranoid and broken state, I interpreted her and her friend’s accessing of my various web properties as cyberstalking, and was desperately to selfishly defend myself. The unfortunate thing is, I now know she was doing this in good faith, and she apparently even informed a close friend of mine about some very depressive posts I had made, presumably, so that this friend could make sure I was okay, even during all of this. As far as the legal cases go, both were dismissed and replaced with a mutual agreement in effect for 1 year.
I was a terrible person to Raven, and I caused her trauma that I wouldn’t wish on anybody, but SHE of all people, is the last person I would wish it on. I loved and still love Raven, and the only “good” thing about this series of shit behavior I conducted involving her was that they woke me up to what a terrible person I have been, and made me realize that change needs to begin immediately.
As far as making up for it, currently, Raven does not want any contact with me (and I do not blame her in the slightest) and will likely never speak to me again. However, I have made private arrangements with her to reimburse her for all expenses she incurred in the legal situation involving both of us and am fulfilling this arrangement. Independently of this, if she ever needs or wants my assistance (financial, material, emotional, or otherwise) with any matter at all, I will give it to her upon her asking … with the understanding that this does not imply a friendship or reconnecting as a result of doing so. I loved (and still love) Raven, and even if we never speak or be friends again, I will perpetually be willing to do whatever I can to make up for the harm I caused to her and she can always come to me and ask for anything, and I will always give it to her.
I hope one day she can forgive me and that maybe, somehow, despite the impossible odds, we can have a friendship again. I am not holding my breath and I am not delusional enough to believe that her giving me such a chance is in the cards anytime soon (if ever), but I do silently hope for it. She is the best friend I have ever had, and I wish I would have returned the favor for her when I had the chance. I hope one day I get that chance, but I totally understand if I do not as a consequence of my shitty actions.
- While I cannot provide much additional information, I was indeed investigating Hypnotist Sappho and BeccaTheHusky. The logs being passed around regarding that are accurate in that I *did* have those interactions, but they were a means to an end with collecting intelligence. I cannot reasonably prove this until arrests have been made for obvious reasons – I am sorry to anyone I deceived or treated terribly during the course of this and consider this operation as having went “too far”.
- I am not helping Kiwi Farms, despite some of the logs posted. Those were an attempt to misdirect Joshua Moon after the site was hacked. Liz Fong-Jones can vouch for my efforts here, but I am unable to discuss my involvement at length.
- If I treated you like shit online, yes, I probably did, and I’m sorry I was a bitter asshole.
- I handled the shut down of Kinmunity terribly, and aggressively asked for money to fund the site prior to the shut down because I was disillusioned with and bitter towards the community and wanted to spend no further financial resources on it. I could have done this a lot better.
- An apology to my former close friend WT, and to my former partner Vic; though nothing that happened between us was super traumatic, I was not a good friend to WT nor partner to Vic in my state.
- Regarding my criticism of Keffals and others in #DropKiwiFarms: I do not apologize. Keffals is an objectively terrible person and the fact she is also transgender and involved in the movement does not give her a free pass. However, I could have handled my criticism in a much more reasonable way.
- I had a Kiwi Farms account for the purpose of briefly interacting with my own thread and defending myself, a mistake a lot of people made. I took it too far and critiqued others within the otherkin community and behaved badly back in 2019. My post history outside my own thread is minimal, but I still regret even participating at all.
- An apology to Raine, Peeta, and Azi… and a special thanks to Peeta for taking a risk and being my friend again. That means a lot in times like this.
- To my other friends and fans I have let down: I am sorry, and if you contact me, I will add an apology to you to this post or privately, whatever you prefer.
Actions I’m taking towards resolution
- I now see see two therapists (one is a specialist for these sorts of issues), and a psychiatrist. I have addressed my abusive and self-serving tendencies with them and intend to seek continuous gradual improvement over the next several years. I have also began addressing my obsessive and possessive nature and unhealthy attachment style.
- I have cancelled all media appearances in 2022. I will not be accepting any media requests for the foreseeable future. If I do accept a media request in the distant future, it will be related to my activism and will have to be approved by my publicist.
- I have shut down Kinmunity, and left the greater alterhuman community and do not intend to return. I will always be a wolf girl; but I am not nor do I want to be a spokeswoman or even a member of the alterhuman, therianthropy, or otherkin communities. I feel a lot of my personality issues and egocentrism which were already present blew out of proportion during my involvement in the community and resulting media appearances.
- I am steadily to adopt a lifestyle where I am kind to others unless they give me a reason not to be, instead of naturally suspicious of everybody I encounter even when it is not warranted.
- I am focusing on the work that I do which makes a difference in the world.
- I am reducing my social media presences; I intend to wind down posting on TikTok and Twitter, primarily using my blog and Howlr to communicate with my friends and the world. I will occasionally post updates to my Instagram.
- All “community security notices” about individuals in the otherkin community has been rescinded.
- For the legal situation; I have made arrangements on my own free will, without coercion of any kind, privately, to reimburse Raven all expenses, and am willing to reimburse beyond expenses, and help her financially or materially in any situation which may arise should she ask it of me, regardless if she chooses to ever speak to me again outside of such requests.